This has got to be the most common topic that I have heard guys complain about since I entered the dating scene; "I don't get it?? why does she like him? He treats her like shit!", "I would never dream of treating her that way, yet she wants nothing to do with me! Why?" Girls always go for the douchebags, from now on I am going to be a dick to them and THEN they will like me". I have fought this and defended girls a lot, saying that it is because the bad guys have confidence.. they take the chances.. say the lines that morally good guys don't.. they have been in the game long enough and they know the things to say and do that can manipulate girls' feelings. This all may be true, but I heard something on the radio last week that made me think about things in a slightly different light.
The host had a caller who was hurt because the girl that he was with, he treated her like a princess, would bend over backwards to make her happy, and yet she kept pulling away and was trying to run and was clueless as to why. The host told him the following, that the way they girl was acting is a sign of a girl that has been in abusive relationships in the past, either emotionally or physically. That girls who have been hurt in relationships, be it in their youth or in dating sometimes get in a slump where they start thinking that kind of relationship is the norm for them. In order to get out of that mindset it takes a lot of digging deep in their feelings and seeing why they feel that way and to finally see that they deserve more than to be emotionally spit on. Some women get out of that mindset and overcome it while others don't know how to. And for girls who are continuously in relationships with those "douchebags", start to get used to it so much, so that whenever a "nice guy" comes along and tries to sweep her off feet and wine and dine her and treat her like a princess she is literally out of her comfort zone and it makes her skin crawl in fact. And the more nice the guy tries to be the more scared she is and more she pulls away. She knows that she wants that good guy to be her prince charming, but she is just not used to it.
I don't have any great advice to the men out there who are good guys, you know who you are, except be patient with us. There is a good chance that we will get over the curse of the douchebaggery and when we do you will be winning the heart of an amazing woman. And as the saying goes... the nice guy WILL finish last.
And ladies... for you, as awkward as it may feel, and out of place for a guy to treat you like a princess.. try not to think that he has ulterior motives. Don't be afraid to lose your feet in a relationship, this one might be the one that's worth it... if not.. there are TONS more fish in the sea!
Happy dating!
Monday, May 30, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Dating a Friend
Initiating a romantic relationship with a close friend is a very slippery slope. It can go 1 of 3 ways; 1: It works out.. you two fall madly in love and it is the best relationship of your life, 2: You date... and later find out that you were better as friends and are content that you at least explored the notion and grow from this experience and become better chums, or 3: You date, become close on a whole 'nother level and realize that you or both find the other completely repulsive and end up hating each other and ruin what was a good friendship.
I, myself, have never dated someone who was a close friend first, not that I never tossed the idea around in my head here and there, but never acted on it. It is a scary thing. There is much more at stake than just some random Shmo that you meet online/ at the bar/ picking out apples at the store. With this one there is a friendship, and then mutual friends. It's like jumping in at the 6 date. You MAY have the small talk at 1st just to get over the initial awkwardness, but you already know each other and buttons to push and nitty gritty secrets that usually take months for new fresh relationships to pry out of your chest of confidentiality. This is not a decision to enter into lightly.. not one that can be tricked into by getting the other one drunk making out and then sinking your hooks into them like you have done with the past ones. There is one key that will make or break this one, and that is communication.
Sure communication is great and super important in any relationship, but you have to be on your A-game in the communication ring for this round. Also, don't forget to put a lot of thought into this. Don't decide to make the moves on your dream-boat confidant just because he/she is ooooh so cute, Weigh the pros and cons, is the friendship you have with this person too important to lose? will they think you are creepy for even THINKING about this possibility? Are these feelings even true? You definitely don't want to jump into this just because you are lonely and notice that this friend totally gets you but in their eyes... they get you like a sister/brother and by making the move ... now a distant cousin/ creeper.
So you say you have thought about this.. wrote down the pros and cons on getting to know this sexy piece of friend goodness and you see that this is what you want.. and you believe they are worth the risk, it's time to make your move tiger. And like a tiger you must move. Circle your prey, test the waters, throw out a hang out location where you would have a chance to talk, where the touch barrier can be broken. But be patient, like a mouse... or whatever it is that tigers prey on.. they can get spooked. You know what this person likes to talk about, and every once in a while hold a glance for a second longer, laugh and an unfunny joke, touch an arm/back/ knee (nothing TOO personal) and let it linger for a second longer. After testing these few moves you will start to see if there is an reciprocation in the feelings department. If they respond or mimic your moves you are in like Flin, if they pull back and start talking about this other person they are dating then you pull back. They are not feeling it and are trying to tell you nicely to slow your role.
And just remember, in the end, this is going to take both of you to want this, to want to risk a friendship that you have built over some time. Many great loves have started out this way but at the same time.... so have some horror stories. Good luck and happy dating
I, myself, have never dated someone who was a close friend first, not that I never tossed the idea around in my head here and there, but never acted on it. It is a scary thing. There is much more at stake than just some random Shmo that you meet online/ at the bar/ picking out apples at the store. With this one there is a friendship, and then mutual friends. It's like jumping in at the 6 date. You MAY have the small talk at 1st just to get over the initial awkwardness, but you already know each other and buttons to push and nitty gritty secrets that usually take months for new fresh relationships to pry out of your chest of confidentiality. This is not a decision to enter into lightly.. not one that can be tricked into by getting the other one drunk making out and then sinking your hooks into them like you have done with the past ones. There is one key that will make or break this one, and that is communication.
Sure communication is great and super important in any relationship, but you have to be on your A-game in the communication ring for this round. Also, don't forget to put a lot of thought into this. Don't decide to make the moves on your dream-boat confidant just because he/she is ooooh so cute, Weigh the pros and cons, is the friendship you have with this person too important to lose? will they think you are creepy for even THINKING about this possibility? Are these feelings even true? You definitely don't want to jump into this just because you are lonely and notice that this friend totally gets you but in their eyes... they get you like a sister/brother and by making the move ... now a distant cousin/ creeper.
So you say you have thought about this.. wrote down the pros and cons on getting to know this sexy piece of friend goodness and you see that this is what you want.. and you believe they are worth the risk, it's time to make your move tiger. And like a tiger you must move. Circle your prey, test the waters, throw out a hang out location where you would have a chance to talk, where the touch barrier can be broken. But be patient, like a mouse... or whatever it is that tigers prey on.. they can get spooked. You know what this person likes to talk about, and every once in a while hold a glance for a second longer, laugh and an unfunny joke, touch an arm/back/ knee (nothing TOO personal) and let it linger for a second longer. After testing these few moves you will start to see if there is an reciprocation in the feelings department. If they respond or mimic your moves you are in like Flin, if they pull back and start talking about this other person they are dating then you pull back. They are not feeling it and are trying to tell you nicely to slow your role.
And just remember, in the end, this is going to take both of you to want this, to want to risk a friendship that you have built over some time. Many great loves have started out this way but at the same time.... so have some horror stories. Good luck and happy dating
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